Cheer for a Military Coup in Turkey, with or without marching band

TURKEY, TURKEY, SIS-BOOM-BA

IT’S A HOSTAGE PARTY IN AN-KA-RA

WE GOT SMACK FROM THE KURDS,

SPEED FROM SYRIA,

PILLS FROM THE PREACHER IN PENNSYLVANIA,

STEAK AND POTATOES, TERRORIST GRAVY,

DRONES FROM THE SKY AND GAYS FROM THE NAVY,

THE NEW KING OF ENGLAND SHE’S A REAL FREAKY LADY,

BUT THIS PARTY AINT A COUP

IF IT AINT GOT YOU

SO COME ON PARTY PEOPLE

AND COUP, COUP, COUP.

App Ideas, 7.17.18

1. “GotALight” – connects you with people within a half-mile of your GPS location who have lighters – bonus feature: alerts users when cigarette bums are nearby
2. “UnBlock” – writing app that drafts $10 from your checking account if you don’t submit your chosen minimum word count by your chosen deadline
3. “Mumble” – dating app – for people with social anxiety, lisps, speech impediments, conversational hangups, etc – bonus feature: connects users on boring dates with nearby MDMA dealers
6. “Revenge” – exacts revenge on your enemies

Dashes, 7.4.18

  1. The word apotheosis in the first sentence of a column about Mexico’s recent elections.
  2. The anodyne sound of thunder and rain against the office windows at midday.
  3. “His grandparents were of Italian descent on his mother’s side, Irish on his father’s.”
  4. The news, at 2:48 PM, that Trump has a wild hair to invade Venezuela.
  5. The discovery of a star in Panama.

Headlines 7.2.18

Seen today:

  1. “Chernobyl Wolves Are Spreading…They Could Carry Radioactive Genes.”
  2. “Rat Breaches ATM in India, Eats $18,000 in Cash.”
  3. “Phillie Phanatic Injures Fan With Hot Dog”
  4. “Texas Man Sentenced to 50 Years for Stealing $1.2 Million in Fajitas”
  5. “Court Rejects Romanian Man’s Claim That He Is Alive”